You May Need To
Hire A Pet Sitter

The Top Ten Signs That Your Pets
Hate You And Want A Pet Sitter

10.) You find kitty litter mixed in with
your breakfast cereal

9.) You throw your dogs a Milk Bone - they fire it back from
their mortar

8.) There are autographed posters of Cujo hanging on the
walls of the computer room

7.) Even your mom had to hang a pork chop around your neck to
get your first dog to play with you

6.) You caught the cats tampering with your brakes

5.) The parrot keeps squawking, color="#800000" size="2"> "Quick, OUT THE
WINDOW!"

4.) Somehow that, "Cat's got your tongue!" joke
isn't as funny when you get to the hospital

3.) The fish have installed "mirrored glass" on the
tank so that you can't see inside

2.) The cats wake you up in the morning - by scratching at
your eyeballs

1.) Somebody hired Vito and Pauli, two pit bulls from New
Jersey, to "really mess you up"

Top Ten Signs Your Pets Have Been
Tampering With Your Computer

10.) Inexplicably, your new E-Mail
password has become "Rover"

9.) The new desktop background is a picture of a sexy French
Poodle

8.) New bookmarks keep appearing - like alpo.com

7.) When you hit F1 - the help page is veterinarian.com

6.) sdrawkcab ni gniog won si ni epyt uoy gnihtyrevE

5.) Via snail mail, you keep receiving unexplainable packages
of new dog treats from valuamerica.com

4.) Instead of hearing, "You've Got Mail!" - you
hear "Meow!"

3.) Whenever you go on-line, the cat sits there, and stares
at the keyboard while you type

2.) You don't remember ever setting up a free E-Mail account
named [email protected]

1.) Your credit card is being charged monthly for
dogzncatztogether.com

---

Hiring A Pet Sitter

Top Ten Reasons To HIRE That Pet
Sitter!

10.) Purrs better than your kitty ever
did

9.) Knows the best way to "beg" on a Friday night

8.) Learned all of the "jump through the hoop"
tricks - YEARS ago

7.) Wants to "take you for a walk" - on the
carpet...

6.) She did it. And, you are willing to pay for it!

5.) OK. She's a little "furry" - but, hey, so are
you...

4.) Oh, NO! The SNAKE just woke up! It's time!

3.) She can imitate ANY animal noise you want!

2.) She doesn't mind that you eat out of a stainless steel
dish, too...

1.) Geez. She crossed this address off the list again! Oh,
well.

The New Combination Breeds She Is
Sitting For

1. Collie + Lhasa Apso
   
   
   • A Collapso - A dog that
     folds up for easy transport
   
   
   
   


2. Spitz + Chow Chow
   
   
   • A Spitz-Chow - A dog that
     throws up a lot
   
   
   
   


3. Pointer + Setter
   
   
   • A Poinsetter - The
     traditional Christmas pet
   
   
   
   


4. Deerhound + Terrier
   
   
   • Derriere - The dog that's
     true to the end
   
   
   
   


5. Collie + Malamute
   
   
   • Commute - A dog that
     travels with you to work
   
   
   
   


6. Malamute + Pointer
   
   
   • Moot Point - Owned
     by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
   
   
   
   


7. Bloodhound + Labrador
   
   
   • Blabador - A dog that
     whines incessantly to go outside
   
   
   
   


8. Terrier + Bulldog
   
   
   • Terribull, a dog that makes
     some awful mistakes
   
   
   
   


9. Newfoundland + Basset Hound
   
   
   
   • Newfound Asset Hound - A
     dog for financial advisors
   
   
   
   


10. Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated
    Retriever
    
    
    • Lab Coat Retriever - The
      choice of research scientists
    
    
    
    


11. Irish Water Spaniel + English
    Springer Spaniel
    
    
    • Irish Springer - A dog that
      is fresh and clean as a whistle
    
    
    
    


12. Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso
    
    
    • Peekasso - A dog who spends
      way too much time...
    
    
    
    


13. Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
    
    
    
    • The Pyradachs - A
      paradoxically puzzling breed
    
    
    
    


14. Bull Terrier + Shitzu
    
    
    • Bull Shitzu, most often
      chosen by IOF District Managers
    
    
    
    

Top Ten Things You Hope The New
Pet Sitter Won't Say During The Interview

10.) Whoa! Let me go back to the car.
I'm going to need a bigger shovel for THAT!

9.) I may have to charge you "by the pound"!

8.) I've NEVER seen one THAT UGLY!

7.) OK. I'll feed them - just as long as I NEVER have to
touch them...

6.) Have you ever had any complaints from the neighbors about
how this place SMELLS?

5.) Either my watch has stopped, or, this one is dead...

4.) Yes, YOU are a confirmation of the old saying,
"People start looking like their pets, eventually".

3.) So, you don't believe in the concept of ZONING laws?

2.) Gee, this is the first time I ever saw one that would eat
something like THAT!

1.) If I can sneak up on him, I can inject this...

Ten More Things You Don't Want To
Hear About During The Interview

10.) She's learning taxidermy - "on
the side"

9.) She's carrying a gun, a whip, and a chair - on the first
interview

8.) She has made guest appearances on, "Mutual Of
Omaha's Wild Kingdom" - with "rabid wombats"

7.) She mentions that she likes to, "sneak up on
them"

6.) She asks you to guess what's in her pocket - and, it
looks like it is moving...

5.) They don't let her into the zoo, anymore, either

4.) She won't tell you why she keeps a chainsaw in the trunk
of the car - but, does admit being from Texas

3.) She wants the key to the front door - and, the liquor
cabinet!

2.) She wants to know where you keep the firehose - just in
case...

1.) She asks if your pet has ever had a "psychic
reading"

Top Ten Ways To Tell That The Pet
Sitter Is A Little Too Involved In Her Job

10.) You say, "Hi! How are you
doing?" - and, she coughs up a furball as a response -
EEWWWWW!

9.) Instead of waving a $20 bill - you encourage her to
inhale the fumes from a bag of "Kibble"

8.) The only time you've ever seen her outside the office is
at the grocery store -

in the "barbeque sauce" aisle - wearing an apron...

7.) She keeps asking if you want to start a "pickled
herring farm" in your fishtank.

You politely decline the "pickled" part.

6.) She steadfastly denies that the parrot learned,
"QUICK - OUT THE WINDOW!" -

just before you came home...

5.) After having all four of his legs removed in surgery, you
still can't convince her that your dog shouldn't be taken out
for "A DRAG" before 7:00 AM...

4.) She's decided that your cats need "counseling."
They get it. SHE is the one who spends some time "At The
Shelter" - AGAIN!

3.) Want a little KISS? NOT AFTER that SAINT BERNARD!
GGGAASSSPPP!!!

2.) She still dresses up like "Little Bo Peep" -
even though "Dr. Suess" isn't interested!

1.) The Taco Bell Dog... I can't even mention THIS ONE!

Top Ten Reasons NEVER To See The
SUPERBOWL... ...with the Pet Sitter!

10.) Keeps doing the "It's time for
a field goal - Rover gets to be the uprights" thing

9.) She ran over the Budweiser frogs - with her "Swamp
Buggy"

8.) Has a definite fondness for "feelin' the
pigskin" - Aaauugghh!!!

7.) Vaguely remembers how to "harness" a
"BRONCO"

6.) She's been to Colorado - and, has been a MILE HIGH!

5.) Uh, oh. Lately, she's been a San Diego
"Charger"!

4.) She brought the cooler. Why is it big enough for frozen
animal parts?

3.) Oh, no! Guess who else is coming over, too? The Health
Department!

2.) Lobster. Lots of lobster, red potatoes, and corn -
steamed... Oh, NO! Not FREDDY!

1.) Cervaza - delivered by an illegal immigrant to the doggie
dishes?

---

Uh, Oh! The Pet
Sitter May Be Weird!

Top Ten Reasons The Pet Sitter
You Hired May Be Weird!

10.) She wears that "Creature From
The Black Lagoon" outfit EVERY day...

9.) Asks for a glass of water - from your fishtank...

8.) Actually ENJOYS litterbox duty for "the
kitties"...

7.) Smells more like your dog, than your dog, on rainy days!

6.) Translated the "Dr. Doolittle" movie a little
differently...

5.) For the second time this year, is looking forward to
howling with the dogs at a "BLUE MOON" in March

4.) It's Wednesday. It's Peacock Hills. Why is something in
that trash bag "SQUIRMING"?

3.) I'll just bet you never thought you would find THAT when
you got home, HUH?

2.) She stayed overnight. Why does the house smell like
barbeque sauce? Where is "Fluffy"?

1.) Taco Bell - doesn't deliver!

Ten More Reasons Why Your Pet
Sitter Might Be Weird

10.) You went on vacation. The fish are
floating...

9.) "Fluffy" wasn't supposed to go through the
dryer's "fluff cycle"

8.) She's been "scratching" again - Eeewww.

7.) The dog is starting to get that "romantic" look
again - and, he was already neutered...

6.) When you left home, it was a cat. You returned home, and
it was a porcupine.

5.) You don't even want to know about what she does when you
are traveling! Auugghh!

4.) Taco Bell. The Taco Bell dog. Oh, no! NOT THAT!

3.) OK. You probably don't want to know what kind of other
animals she considers "tasty!"

2.) The "Peacock" is missing over at Peacock
Hills...

1.) She likes fish tacos. Your aquarium is empty.

Ten More Reasons To Worry About
the Pet Sitter...

10.) You're back home from your trip.
You had three cats when you left. You have two now, and
there's an empty bottle of barbeque sauce on the countertop
in the kitchen.

9.) She keeps talking about mixing up the guacomole dip - and
your iguana.

8.) Way too often, she mumbles, "I'm up for some 'Extra
Crispy'."

7.) "Rover" gets a little TOO excited when she
comes over

6.) You've never seen a pet sitter willing to "sleep
with the fishes".

5.) OK. So, you probably should have said something about the
bear attacks, first. Geez, the poor bears.

4.) It's Wednesday. It's the way she makes marinara sauce.

3.) That thing in her pocket is STILL ALIVE!

2.) What in THEE HELL is THAT?

1.) It's a long walk home. She better get started.

Top Ten Phrases You NEVER Want To
Hear From A Pet Sitter Who Works In Peacock Hills!

10.) After I left, he ate WHAT? I didn't
leave it THERE!

9.) I'm sorry. In Peacock Hills, I still only charge a daily
rate for LIVE ANIMALS!

8.) It's Wednesday. It's 5 AM. I'm going to mess with the
garbage pick-up...

7.) It's Wednesday. It's 5 AM. Nobody noticed...

6.) So, the "Top Ten Ways To Shave Your Pet" flyer
didn't work, huh?

5.) You know, your neighbor doesn't look like he's gonna see
the 4th of July, after all...

4.) Gee. You look a lot like the picture I have of my Grandma
- in her casket...

3.) Repeat after me... "Now I Lay Me Down To
Sleep!"

2.) It's A TWO-FER! Hey, it's TOUGH backing out of the
driveway!

1.) Court Meeting "leftovers" are suddenly being
regulated again...

Top Ten Signs 1999 Was Off To A
Bad Start For The Pet Sitter

10.) After New Year's Day, she checked
into the Betty Ford Clinic - again

9.) Pictures of her with the Furby stuffed in her pants on
Christmas are beginning to circulate

8.) She still hasn't taken down the Christmas tree - from
1989

7.) She celebrated "Cinco de Mayo" a little too
soon...

6.) Her number of Elvis sightings on his birthday was down
almost 40% from last year

5.) She hasn't decided whether or not to shower again this
year...

4.) The parrot keeps squawking, "You've got only 328
days to go to Y2K!"

3.) She "bet the farm" on the Atlanta Falcons - she
may soon be homeless

2.) Punxatawney Phil - The Groundhog - emerged from his hole
today, saw his shadow, and then car-jacked her van

1.) She needs to tell you about the results of the
"confidential home test kit" - Ooops... - BAD DOG!

---

What If Your Pets
Don't Like The Pet Sitter?

Top Ten Signs That Your Pets Hate
The New Pet Sitter You Hired

10.) You mysteriously find kitty litter
mixed in with your Grape Nuts

9.) You throw your dog a bone... he hurls it back... at your
head

8.) She put up posters of Cujo on the walls, and they are
starting to look like that

7.) You have to tie a pork chop around her neck to get the
dogs to play with her

6.) Once again, you caught the cat tampering with her brakes

5.) The parrot keeps squawking, "Polly wants to kill
you! Polly wants to kill you!"

4.) The dog hired Vito and Pauli, two pit bulls from New
Jersey, to "really mess her up"

3.) Officials keep asking why your dog would want a
"concealed weapons" permit

2.) Most cats don't like getting shaved like a French
Poodle...

1.) They ALL got together, tied her her up, and, took her to
an IOF court meeting - for some SEVERE torture - HOW CRUEL!!!
Auugghh!!!

Top Ten Ways To Tell That Your
Dog Stole The Pet Sitter's Credit Card

10.) You come home, and find that the
swimming pool is filled with Gravy Train

9.) The dog house now has air-conditioning

8.) Growls at commercials about places that take Visa, but
not American Express

7.) All of the receipts are sloppily signed with an
"X"

6.) Your next door neighbor's Chihuahua now has breasts twice
their original size

5.) You never realized that there was a "Doggie
Channel" on cable

4.) Suddenly, you realize that he's been playing poker with
other dogs

3.) He still drinks from the toilet, but not before it is
filled with Evian

2.) He's been able to hire female dogs to lick him

1.) At the strip bar, he is slipping twenty dollar bills to
the girls - you can only afford to slip them singles

Top Ten Signs You Have a Dumb Cat

10.) It's been over a month since he's
licked his butt

9.) He's never gotten the hang of saying "Meow" -
says, "Moo," instead

8.) Is often surprised by the automatic lawn sprinkler heads

7.) Has been watching Sesame Street with you every day for
the past five years, and he still can't read either

6.) An outdoor cat, he keeps coming home with a "Kick
Me" sign taped on his back - placed there by the
neighborhood mice

5.) Sits in front of the mirror for hours tilting her lead
left and right trying to make friends with the
"other" kitty

4.) Despite your personal demonstrations, she still can't
quite get the hang of the "litterbox thing"

3.) Keeps falling into the large, white porcelain water bowl
in the bathroom...

2.) Jumps into the refrigerator every time you open it

1.) Can't even spell C-A-T

---

You May Have To
Fire The New Pet Sitter!

Top Ten Reasons To Fire The New
Pet Sitter!

10.) Puts the leash on Grandma for a
walk - and, leaves the dog in the house...

9.) Shares the cat food - and, the litter box...

8.) Her hair is always wet - can't quite get the concept of
feeding the fish

7.) Has a hard time leaving the house if the electronic fence
isn't turned off

6.) Gets really jealous if you don't buy her some new toys,
too

5.) Too much fur showing in too many unusual places...

4.) Overwhelming ALPO breath... Cough, Cough, Cough,
Wheeze...

3.) The "scratch me on the belly" thing is a little
too weird when company arrives home with you

2.) You and the EMT's are beginning to find the "pit
bull imitation" thing rather annoying

1.) OK. You ABSOLUTELY have to draw the line at the,
"Let me offer you a glass of water" from...

Ten More Reasons To Fire The Pet
Sitter!

10.) She keeps bragging about how the
crocodiles she keeps at home, "like leftovers"!

9.) Munching on Milk-Bones doesn't make for polite
conversation

8.) Keeps talking about "recipes" - just before
your vacation

7.) Coughs up a hairball - while you are looking for
"Fluffy"!

6.) Asks if YOU would like to play with the "toys"
she brought along

5.) Geez. How many times do I have to tell you? Birds don't
eat...

4.) It's not nice to take an arthritic dog out for "a
drag."

3.) The neighbors keep complaining about her riding the St.
Bernard down the street

2.) Too much of HER saliva on the "chew toys"

1.) Plays "dead" too often when your husband comes
home!

Ten More Reasons To Fire The Pet
Sitter...

10.) In addition to her pager, she
carries a CHAINSAW!

9.) She brings along her own "utensils"!

8.) She often seems to be a little "too frisky"...

7.) Likes rolling around in the backyard - by herself - film
at 11.

6.) She finally made the Animal Control Department's
"Top Ten Most Wanted" list.

5.) You don't like her definition of, "fine
cuisine".

4.) She keeps calling your dog, "Rover." You keep
telling her it is, "Spot." She says, "Who
cares, I brought the CHAINSAW!"

3.) She asks, "What's red and green, and goes 200 miles
per hour? Your pet frog - it jumped into the blender..."

2.) She keeps asking where you keep the barbeque sauce...

1.) My, my, my. I thought ONLY French Poodles got shaved like
THAT!

Ten More Reasons Why The Pet
Sitter Has Gotta Go!

10.) Enjoys the catnip more than the
cats do...

9.) Keeps bringing the fishing pole when sitting for the fish

8.) The neighbors complain about the barking - hers!

7.) She doesn't quite fit into the bird cage, either...

6.) Somebody has been using the barbeque sauce, again...

5.) Gee. Thanks for coming. I guess we'll have you come back
in about 100 years!

4.) So, how many of the neighbors did it take to restrain
"Fluffy" on his walk - this time?

3.) Hmmm... Is she the one keeping the alligator leashed down
the street in the storm drain?

2.) It's Valentines' Day... OK, so you shouldn't have
mentioned that "Joey" is toast

1.) Too many people keep saying how she walks like...

Ten More Reasons Why...

10.) She takes the dog out for a walk by
the elementary school - and uses the same crosswalks that the
children do - Swerve - Screeecchhh! Thunk! Aauugghh!

9.) Wears a girl scout uniform - tries to sell you cookies
that only the dog would eat

8.) Often aggravates the iguana - by calling it
"Fluffy"

7.) Keeps asking for a major increase in the Lysol and First
Aid Kit budgets

6.) Spent way too much time talking about how she would have
handled that dead whale

5.) Mistakes the cat for a sea otter - puts it into a full
bath tub to "make it feel more at home"

4.) Instead of the Cracker Jack box, she looks for prizes in
the litter box

3.) Usually smells like she "stepped in something"

2.) Wears the gorilla suit on Halloween - and on the other
364 days a year

1.) Uses pictures of former IOF executives to line the bottom
of the bird cage - OK, so that one's not so bad...

Ten More Reasons To Tell The Pet
Sitter That She Is FIRED!

10.) The leash comes back from the walk
- UNFILLED!

9.) Doesn't get the concept - GOLDFISH DON'T NEED A WALK!

8.) Pot Bellied Pigs. You have tickets to the Super Bowl.
Something in the quarterback's hands looks familiar!

7.) You left town owning a swimming pool. You came home to a
"thank you" from Sea World.

6.) When you get home, you have to pay an admission charge to
"see the animals"

5.) $500 for "Doggie Ice Cream"? Yup.

4.) Come on now, who ever heard of a pet running away because
the pet sitter SNORED LIKE THAT?

3.) Tied 4 helium balloons to the cat. With today's winds,
he's somewhere over Nevada...

2.) Hey! They are PETS! They can't be IOF MEMBERS!
Although...

1.) Gives a whole new meaning to a tailgate party when a COW
isn't involved...

What? You Haven't Caught On? The
Pet Sitter Has GOT TO GO!!!

10.) You thought it would be nice if she
could teach the dog a new trick - but, THAT? Oh, Noooo!

9.) Indoor cats. They now have fleas. You figure it out.

8.) Pigeons? No, pigeon toed!

7.) You often get suspicious. Every time there is a mess on
the floor, she points at the dog.

6.) She only answered vaguely about why she needed 28 more
feet of chain.

5.) When you left on your trip you had a dachshund. You came
home, and had a chihuahua.

4.) You've never had a pet greet you when you got home with
an "OINK" before...

3.) She suggests that you don't use the toilet until she
finds the snake that got out while you were gone.

2.) She keeps asking if you like goat's milk - and, says,
"she will be right back" with some

1.) Wants to know why YOU don't have a CEE-MENT pond, too...

Ten More Reasons To FIRE The Pet
Sitter!

10.) You tell her you have a rabbit. She
starts talking like Elmer Fudd, and asks if he is a,
"wascally wabbit"!

9.) She uses the word, "delicious," a little too
often

8.) On the medical information form, she wants to know if you
want an autopsy

7.) She brings her shotgun to the first interview - and it is
"loaded," too

6.) She casually mentions that she has a friend who,"
ran over one of those, once"

5.) You tell her have a bird named, "Tweety." She
starts talking like, "Sylvester The Cat."

4.) Instead of pictures, she shows you her tattoos of
deceased pet clients

3.) She keeps asking if you have barbeque sauce in the
refrigerator

2.) On the household information form, she wants to know how
much ransom you think you could afford

1.) She asks if she needs to bring her own branding iron

Another Ten Reasons To FIRE The
Pet Sitter!

10.) She keeps sitting color="#800000" size="2">ON
the pets, instead of sitting size="2">WITH the pets

9.) She hogs their food

8.) She gave the dog fleas

7.) She's been trying out for the "Budweiser Frog"
commercials - and doesn't need make-up

6.) During the interview, she scratched a little too often

5.) She's on the Animal Control Department's, "Ten Most
Wanted List"

4.) Her Favorite Song? "You Ain't Nothin' But A Hound
Dog"

3.) She has difficulty spelling, color="#800000" size="2">"C-A-T" size="2">

2.) She keeps asking if size="2">YOU would like to
wear a collar, too!

1.) She asks if you would like to see her "Pit
Bull" imitation!

Top Ten Reasons To FIRE The DOG
Sitter!

10.) Made a film with "Wolfie, The
Wonder Dog" - in your house - while you were gone!

9.) Addicted - to "Kibble"

8.) Writes "fan letters" to Goofy - because she
thinks he is a REAL size="2"> talking dog

7.) When you get home, you realize color="#800000" size="2">SHE
needs to take a walk, too

6.) Does tricks... for treats!

5.) Pants a little too heavily on hot days, and at
"other times"

4.) Will give a discount if you wear a collar and a leash,
too

3.) Only watches "Lassie" re-runs on TV

2.) Has "dog breath" - from French-kissing the dogs

1.) Leaves noseprints on the car windows...

Ten More Reasons To FIRE The PET
SITTER!

10.) Talks a little too much about,
"target practice"

9.) Shares too many beers with the dog on the over-night
visits

8.) You can't take your bird with you on vacation over
Thanksgiving - she keeps talking about "stuffing"

7.) 101 Dalmations - she brings them with her to your house

6.) Asks if you would like to see her, "walk like a
duck"

5.) Uses the words, "heavenly aroma," in color="#800000" size="2">ANY
context

4.) Got "a little too friendly" with the snake -
and took some polaroids

3.) Uses a switchblade to cut the food up into smaller pieces

2.) You come home, and find the dog rolling around out on the
lawn - and her, too

1.) Keeps asking if you have a "collar and leash"
preference - for YOU!

---

Weird Pet Sitter
Concerns

The Pet Sitter's Top Ten Least
Popular Euphemisms for Sex

10.) Burying Rover's bone

9.) Ridin' the testosterone barge down the Love Canal

8.) The annual obligation

7.) Polling the constituency

6.) Donating to the missionary

5.) Celebrating Humpback Whale Day

4.) Hopping on the herpes express

3.) Erasing the hard drive

2.) Groin Wars

1.) Crushing what's left of her self-esteem

Top Ten Reasons The Pet Sitter
Enjoys "Being With" Pets

10.) She can be certain that "funny
smell" isn't her - this time

9.) Won't ever get an argument about using a black leather
collar - and a "choke chain"

8.) She gets to see them naked before spending any
"quality time" with them

7.) No matter what noise they make, she figures it probably
means, "YES!"

6.) Ending a relationship is quick and easy - and tasty, if
done right

5.) 43 newsgroups, 1,752 web sites, and 1,027,837 search
engine matches assure her that she's NOT ALONE out there

4.) Pets are always "in the mood" for her to visit
- as far as she knows

3.) They always enjoy what she gives them as
"treats"

2.) Licking - she's always enjoyed licking

1.) It's a full moon. She ain't howlin' alone - so to
speak...

Why Chickens Just May Be Better
Pets Than Cats

10.) Chickens still run around after you
cut their heads off - cats just lay there...

9.) Curiosity only causes confusion for chickens

8.) A chicken will never sit on your lap - and lick its' butt


7.) There's so much less guilt when using the Shake and Bake

6.) NO chicken has EVER coughed up a hairball

5.) Have you ever tried to poach a kitten for breakfast?

4.) The cost of feeding a chicken is, well, chicken feed!

3.) Have you ever heard a chicken MEOW? Nope!

2.) No need to buy catnip, or those stupid fur toys...

1.) You aren't Vietnamese. You ARE hungry. It's time...

Top Ten Things You NEVER Want To
See On A Pet Food Ingredients Label

10.) Rats - or - rat by-products

9.) Cow tongue, lips or other "unmentionables"...

8.) The real ingredients - having been made in Viet Nam...

7.) Any kind of "special" sauce

6.) Anthrax-free or Mad-Cow vaccination designations

5.) A "Good Mousekeeping" Seal Of Approval

4.) Anything mentioning "reprocessed raccoons"

3.) It was just titled "Pet Grub" - you bought it
at the bait shop - no ingredients were listed

2.) Artificial "texturing"

1.) Anything that has "McDonald's" on the label...

As A Pet Care Provider, The Top
Ten Things You DON'T Want To Hear On Thanksgiving!

10.) Someone broke into the pet store -
So, where is, "Polly The Parrot," today?

9.) Is that guacamole, or size="2">IGUANA dip?

8.) Who put the crushed-up Milk-Bones into the Chex Mix?

7.) They sure do toast up nicely - were they easy to catch?

6.) Do you want a wing, or a leg - from "Joey"?

5.) Have you ever had a kangaroo steak on Thanksgiving
before?

4.) Uncle Henry caught this one in this basement - we mixed
it into the green beans - instead of almonds...

3.) "I think I'm going to have to join color="#800000" size="2">P.E.T.A."

"So, is that, 'P size="2">eople for the size="2"> Ethical color="#800000" size="2">Treatment
of A size="2">nimals'?"

"NO, it's P size="2">eople who enjoy size="2">Eating color="#800000" size="2">Tasty
A size="2">nimals!"

2.) Red Dog Beer... Is that how that poor dog's eyes got so
bloodshot?

1.) Who shaved the cat? Grandma, this is color="#800000" size="2">A CAT!
This is the USA! size="2"> This isn't size="2">VIET NAM!

---

Texas, Y'All!

Top Ten Ways To Tell He Might Be
"A Little Weird" If He Ever Visited Texas, Again!

10.) He keeps singing, "A Red River
Valley", and mentioning "Silence Of the Lambs"

9.) He's still not convinced that "Gilley's" moved
to Branson!

8.) Every woman that he met from there, eventually turned him
DOWN, too!

7.) He still keeps pronouncing, "Waco" as
"whacko"

6.) He can only find one of those court-given
"gift" boots - but is still willing to wear it with
one of "those sneakers"!

5.) Yes. It's TRUE! He has a need to go back there, and...
win at bingo... again!

4.) He doesn't mind that the Chief Ranger's wife forgot her
false teeth this time!

3.) OK, so, take Billy Bob's advice about what to put in the
cooler! Well, duh!

2.) You can buy a chainsaw in Texas without a federal license
check... (heh, heh, heh)

1.) Bring along that "photo album" - just in case
the coroner needs verification...

Top Ten Signs She May Have Gone
Back To Texas

10.) She was wearing that hat, and those
boots - at the airport

9.) After she left, you found out that Billy Joe Bob's phone
number was still in the speed dialer

8.) She had been practicin' sayin' "y'all" - all
week long

7.) The Texas Department Of Justice advised her that all of
the warrants have finally expired

6.) Her old friends at Court Red River Valley need her to
make "that" potato salad, again!

5.) She's joining the "Pet Sitters For Armadillos"
movement

4.) Always wanted to tumble along with the tumbling
tumbleweeds

3.) She's still looking for the "Yellow Rose"

2.) Bar-B-Que... It's been too many years... she needs
Bar-B-Que...

1.) She really wants to hear "them cows" moo
again...

Ten More Reasons NEVER To Visit
Texas Again!

10.) High heels and Cow Pies - they just
don't get along well together...

9.) Too many people smiling - without their front teeth

8.) You have never seen the term"parched throat" in
the 49 other states' vacation brochures

7.) It is too close to Louisiana - and, Arkansas

6.) The Dallas Cowboys... 'nuf said...

5.) 100 degrees F - 100 days in a row - You don't have to
tell me TWICE!

4.) The Red River Valley - It ain't red. It's a mud puddle.
Every other valley in the world is green.

3.) Everything is BIGGER in Texas! That's why they charge for
mastectomies by the pound!

2.) Some woman named Shirley wants to do THAT, again!
Aaauugghh!

1.) Geez. C'mon! At least they don't have earthquakes!

Top Ten Reasons NEVER To Go To
TEXAS For Thanksgiving

10.) Nachos - and Armadillo dip

9.) Critter Surprise - but, only as a side dish

8.) Where did that "chainsaw massacre" happen? color="#800000" size="2">TEXAS!

7.) If Grandma couldn't find the potato masher, how did these
get mashed? Aauugghh!

6.) Hey, Billy Bob, it's time for a color="#800000" size="2"> BEER RUN! size="2">

5.) How about them COWBOYS? size="2">

4.) You really shouldn't have stabbed him in the back of the
hand when he reached for the other drumstick.

3.) So, who do you think will win the Daytona 500 this year?

2.) Hey, Junior, I think your car is on fire!

1.) Hey, maw, is it OK to use this as a spit cup?

---

The IOF and Your
Career

Top Ten Signs Your New Promotion
May Mean That Your Career Is Actually In Trouble

10.) You have been unexpectedly promoted
to District Manager - of the new Chernobyl office

9.) As part of your new compensation package, you get a
"company" car.

The Senior VP keeps asking, "So, when are you going to
start it?"

8.) While awaiting an impending lightning storm at the local
court's poolside barbeque, the Chief Ranger announces that
you will be in charge of weenie-fork waving this evening

7.) You are promised a new office with a view - of the men's
room - from the inside - in Canada

6.) Your most recent urgent memos are attached to bricks -
and thrown through your new car's windshield

5.) The Senior VP advises you that among your new
responsibilities will be keeping all of the pencils at IHQ
very sharp - even at the other companies

4.) While removing your old picture, the Senior VP asks,
"Could you bring me another one of these about this size
- and your new publicity picture?" - while holding up a
dart board

3.) Promoted at the company's headquarters in San Diego, you
will now have paid-for parking - in Canada

2.) You've been appointed company Goodwill Ambassador - and
get to go on tour with Richard Simmons in the newest version
of "Sweatin' With The Oldies - IOF Style"

1.) The Senior VP keeps telling his secretary as you walk out
the door,

"Somewhere in this world, we have deprived a village of
an idiot" - just loud enough for you to hear it

Top Ten Signs You Have Applied
For The Wrong Job

10.) The position requires a high school
education - all you have is college

9.) Your $200 Armani tie keeps getting dunked in the deep
fryer

8.) There are fifteen staples attaching your application to
their medical release form

7.) Pre-screening applicants may mean losing your
fingerprints and your current identity

6.) There is yellow police tape and blood stains all around
the office

5.) You ask for a ridiculous salary - and they are all too
happy to give it to you

4.) Your company car will be a yellow Volkswagen Bug with a 4
foot black wind up key on the trunk

3.) After presenting your resume, you have to explain what a
resume is

2.) Much of the interview is taken up by a weird guy in a lab
coat measuring the size of your head

1.) Too many people introduced to you as "Something or
other" Ranger

Top Ten Gourmet Treats Found Most
Often At IOF Pot Luck Suppers

10.) Lime green Jello - topped with
shredded carrots

9.) Re-heated chocolate water with last year's marshmallows
in a coffee cup that turns colors when warmed

8.) Things that have the word, "squeezin's" in the
recipe as described in their new "Court Recipe
Book"

7.) The somewhat watery fish dish from, "Grandma's Bait
and Tackle Shoppe"

6.) Four Alarm Chili - prepared by a guy who just bought
Maalox stock from his deputy

5.) At least one dish that someone felt compelled to put a
LABEL on - so they wouldn't forget what it was

4.) Hey Edna, what did you beer batter this time? This guy
wants to know...

3.) Tasti-Fries - served in that stylish yellow and red box

2.) Venison... or was it... ?

1.) Bottled water

Top Ten "Secret Tools"
Issued To MDRD's On Their Way To Canada

10.) Crayons - so they wouldn't hurt
anyone (or themselves) while writing their reports

9.) The secret touch-tone input code after dialing 967-1111
in Toronto - for a FREE Canadian Bacon and Pineapple Pizza

8.) Bowling bags - instead of cardboard boxes - so they
wouldn't get stopped at customs

7.) The MPH/KMH converter card and master de-coder ring for
vehicle rentals

6.) Tattoo of the Canadian National Anthem in a place they
could read without getting caught

5.) Woolen longjohns - and lots of cortisone cream

4.) Autographed pictures of "you know who" after
she did "you know what" with the other "you
know who"!

3.) Worthless souvenir currency... only usable to get a
pushcart in the airport

2.) A Toronto map - to explain to the cab driver how to get
to the IOF HQ

1.) Fresh vegetables. Just once. Fresh vegetables...

The IOF Organ Donation Top Ten!

10.) Donate the corneas. Watch another
generation in the next century go through this, too...

9.) Make sure they get a 10 pound bag of onions - with your
liver...

8.) Never admit to how many gallons of
"you-know-what" passed through those kidneys
first...

7.) It's a respirator. You know, just like the one they use
on the average Chief Ranger...

6.) I don't think even "Little Red Riding Hood"
would want those teeth, Grandma!

5.) No! No! It's Dr. Christian Barnaard - not BARNYARD!

4.) OK - we both need a heart transplant. We both match
Charles Manson. He goes to "The Chair" Friday...
so,...

3.) Ummm... We're sorry. We can't put one that small on the
donor list... Geez, who would want it - a munchkin?

2.) You realize, sir, that once we transplant this organ into
you, you may have a sudden urge to move to Canada and start a
career as a logger, right?

1.) No, I'm sorry, we can't scrape the IOF tattoo off that...

Top Ten Reasons To Renew Your IOF
Membership!

10.) You bought a new sport coat. You
don't have enough lapel pins.

9.) They FINALLY set up a membership benefit - for YOUR
disease!

8.) Winnipeg is starting to look better, and better, as a
regular vacation spot...

7.) Hey, you bought the leg warmers - put them to good use!

6.) Even the "Children's Miracle Network" couldn't
have helped YOU as child - but...

5.) You made a "Siamese-Twin" snowsuit Halloween
costume - and want to use it with your husband in public!

4.) This time, the first year's membership waives the
"two drink minimum" at court meetings.

3.) After all, you are ADVENTUROUS! You don't ever ask what
the "Grandma's Surprise" in the pot luck dinner
line is made of!

2.) You know, dear, it's a little too WARM here in San Diego.
I want to move to Canada...

1.) Hey, it's Christmas! Let's chop down a Christmas Tree!
What do you mean, "The IOF GOT THERE FIRST!"?

Top Ten Ways The IOF Makes
Bowling Tournaments More Exciting!

10.) Each team picks a Canadian guy to
be a "Goalie"

9.) Roller skate rentals instead of bowling shoe rentals

8.) A trip wire at every foul line

7.) Award given for "largest number of lanes
crossed"

6.) Greased up balls - no finger holes

5.) Chief Ranger's wife gives an award for "Most
Fashionable Bowling Shirt" - Size 12 or larger

4.) Awards given for keeping score correctly

3.) Blindfolds - for the potluck supper, too

2.) Two words: Exploding Pins

1.) Molson's, LaBatt's, a couple of hours, and you!

You Might Be A Member Of The IOF
In Texas If:

You aren't the only one at a court
meeting with a cement block for a spare tire.

You use Armor-All on your leather jacket to spruce it up for
the court meeting.

You own a denim leisure suit - and can't wait to wear it for
visiting dignitaries.

Your personal coat of arms features a tire iron.

You've ever towed another member's car using panty hose and
duct tape.

Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank
of gas in the truck.

You've ever laid rubber while traveling in a member's funeral
procession.

Your kids trip over the Christmas lights while hunting for
Easter eggs.

Your kids hide the Easter eggs under cow patties - at a court
function.

You think beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food
groups.

You bought your best pair of shoes off the impulse rack by
the register.

You tried to claim "loss of teeth" as an exemption
on your taxes.

You have a sign on your front door explaining house rules and
liability.

You and six of your neighbors split the cable bill.

You take out a home improvement loan to buy a new camper
shell.

People don't recognize your car at a meeting without a dead
animal on the hood.

Your mailbox holds up one end of your clothesline.

You've ever had to appear in court because of your dogs.

The front license plate of your care has "10F"
written in airbrush.

Any of your honeymoon plans involve an IOF fundraising
campout.

All your favorite shirts came with a two-pack purchase of
cigarettes.

You have a hook in your shower to hang your hat on.

You have ever tried to use food stamps to mail a watermelon.

You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.

You ever get dog hair from your belly button.

You ever go clothes shopping in the goodwill box - before the
Chief Ranger brings it to the local Goodwill.

You ever go through the laundry milk crate for clean/dirty
socks.

You've ever driven your tractor to the court meeting because
you were too drunk to drive your car.

You've ever used 10-W-40 motor oil to shine your boots.

You consider your wife's tattoos moving pictures.

You've ever coveted the Chief Ranger's wife - and she's your
sister.

Your eye color on your driver's license is red.

You judge how long a meeting will take by how much beer to
bring.

You bring your shotgun along so you can hunt during the
break.

You think Canadian beer guzzling should be an Olympic sport.

You have 50 keys on your belt and only 5 locks you need to
open.

Your grandmother can out-drink, out-spit, and out-cuss you
and all your friends - that's why she was elected in the
first place.

You spent a Sunday afternoon at the District office shooting
mice that ran out of the file cabinets.

You refer to your beer gut as "the old IOF tool
shed."

You've ever tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order -
but couldn't.

You've ever stolen a Neighborhood Watch sign to put in your
yard.

You've ever served coffee and then vacationed in a rest area.


You've ever cut your grass and found a car.

Your stereo speakers used to belong to the local Drive-in
Theater.

You own a homemade fur coat.

Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns
found in the health pamphlet sent with this year's dues
billing.

You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.

The Salvation Army declined your mattress.

At the meeting, someone asks, "Where's your bowling
bag?" and you answer, "She's at home with the
kids."

You've ever given fellow members rat traps as gifts.

Every socket in the District Office breaks a fire code.

There has ever been crime-scene tape on the District Office
door.

Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."

The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your
house.

You've ever bought a used cap - complete with "tradin'
pins".

You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.

People hear your car a long time before they see it.

You think a turtleneck is the key ingredient for soup.

You see no need to stop at a rest stop on the way to a
meeting because you have an empty milk jug in the car.

You have a rag for a gas cap.

You ever hit on somebody in a V.D. clinic.

After the Prom your kid drove the truck while his date hit
road signs with beer bottles.

All of the four letter words the Chief Ranger uses have two
syllables.

You cut your toenails during meetings.

You've ever heard a longhorn moo - and had romantic thoughts.


The District Office doesn't have curtains - but you are proud
that your truck does.

You often wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so
clean.

You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.

You actually know which kind of leaves make the best
substitute for toilet paper.

If your biggest decision when going on vacation is to use
paper or plastic.

You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention
of all time.

You had to remove a toothpick for publicity pictures.

Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to
have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.

You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle at a
court function.

You need an estimate from your barber before you get a
haircut.

You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your
front yard.

You take your dog for a walk - and you both use the same
tree.

You sit on your roof Christmas Eve with a shotgun hoping to
fill your deer quota for the year.

You always thought "Guns and Roses" was something
you get for your anniversary.

You proposed in a Denny's - at 2 AM.

All of the passengers enter your vehicle through the
driver's-side door.

You think "Chablis" is the name of last months
Playboy centerfold.

You inherited a Styrofoam cooler.

There's no cutoff age for sleeping with your parents.

Your doghouse and your living room both have the same shag
carpet.

You think fast food is hitting a squirrel at 65 MPH on the
way to a meeting.

You've ever had to move a car seat to make love.

Your favorite restaurant has a gas pump in front of it.

You don't have a home phone - but, just need to run down the
road a'piece.

Stealing road signs is this month's sponsored family outing.

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls
on a different night.

You've ever changed the numbers on your house so the police
can't find you.

The District Office bathroom deodorizer is a box of kitchen
matches left on the sink.

An expired license plate means another decoration for the
District manager's office wall.

---

Concerns Your Pet
Sitter Has About You!

Top Ten Ways You Tipped Off Your
Girlfriend That You Aren't As Young As You Said...

10.) She mentions your "Extra
Strength" -

and, you start thinking that she likes your "Chlorox -
With Extra Strength Bleach"

9.) You irately mention that you have written "letters
to the editor" about the lack of coverage of the
shuffleboard tournament that ran concurrently with the Torrey
Pines Golf Championship

8.) She keeps mentioning how much you and the dog really do
look alike...

7.) You live in a retirement community - "just to pick
up babes"

6.) You actually admitted to having worn a "Nehru
Jacket" - and borrowed it from Nehru himself

5.) You didn't "trade for" that 50 year membership
pin at the IOF, after all

4.) After she closed the bathroom door, she couldn't stop
laughing after looking into your medicine cabinet, and
finding...

3.) "Meals On Wheels" - NOT EXACTLY what she was
expecting for that "special candlelight dinner"
before seeing "your etchings"

2.) OK. It's a 1955 Studebaker. And you are bragging that you
are the original owner? Uh, oh...

1.) The "Inspected By" tag on your underwear has a
date-stamp in the decade before she was born... GEEEEZZZ!

Top Ten Signs You Have a GAMBLING
Problem, Too!

10.) You actually tried to gamble your
drink, and then your pacemaker, too

9.) The kneepads you brought have steel reinforced plates,
and come with a supply of prayer cards

8.) You even get goose bumps when the Pepsi machine drops
coins for change at the AA meeting

7.) Your sponsor gives you 10:1 odds you ain't gonna make it
either way

6.) You look for volunteers at AA to play monopoly - with
real cash!

5.) You find yourself saying the words "I'll see your
ten thousand, and raise you my wine collection" more and
more often now

4.) Some guy named Vinny has you on his speed dial in New
Jersey

3.) You view your $3000 loss at the track as, "Not a bad
day at the races"

2.) You recycle cans to buy lottery tickets

1.) Caesar's Palace sends a limosine to pick you up at your
AA meeting - in San Diego

---

A Visit To The Zoo

Top Ten New Crayola Crayon Colors
- Inspired By A Visit To The Zoo

10.) Avocado Iguana

9.) Flamingo Pinky Dinky

8.) Crocodile Bile Smile

7.) Koala Lumpiest Surprise

6.) Elephant Snort Gray

5.) Camel Hair Peroxide Blondish Brown

4.) Orangutan Orange Butt Medley

3.) Giraffe Barf Beige

2.) And, on the way home, Taco Bell Sauce Combo

1.) Also, don't forget, Road Kill Red

Ten More Crayon Colors Someone
May Use After Going To The Zoo

10.) Miss Piggy Shows What's Pink

9.) Kermit The Frog Gets Even More Green

8.) Fuzzy Wuzzy Wuz A Bear - It's Brown

7.) Beaver Banana Surprise

6.) The Asparagus Infection Blend

5.) Vivid Violet Voluptuous Violence

4.) Raw Umber In The Lumber

3.) Macaroni and Cheese - and, Giraffe Souffle

2.) Tickle My Pink Flamingo

1.) Razzle Dazzle Red - You're Not Dead

Even More Crayon Colors Someone
May Get To Use After Going To The Zoo

10.) Kitty Barf Medley

9.) Granny Smith Apple Gangrene

8.) Tijuana River Brown

7.) Crossing Guard Pizza Surprise

6.) Amtrack Silver Crunch

5.) Killer Bee Yellow

4.) Yosemite Barbeque Charcoal

3.) IOF Halloween Orange

2.) Skunk Cabbage Delight

1.) Handicapped Parking Space Blue - and blotchy red...

Top Ten Crayon Colors To Get Rid
Of After A Visit To The Zoo...

10.) Manatee Propeller Purple

9.) Outer Space Chimpanzee Launch Brown

8.) Mountain Meadow Mutilated Marmot

7.) Exxon Valdez Leftover Seal Flesh

6.) Cranberry Beaver

5.) Cotton Candy Canary

4.) Doggie Do Mulberry

3.) Atomic Animal Test Trial

2.) Royal Purple Choke Chain

1.) Neon Carrot Bunny Treats